This past weekend I took my discipleship group on a “life story” retreat. We went to a mountain cabin for an overnight experience where our only agenda was to be together and tell our life stories to each other.

With my discipleship group, deep relationship is the absolute requirement for real growth, change, and transformation. That’s because Christ’s love through us will only transform in an environment of true vulnerability (David Benner, Surrender to Love). I told the men that they had up to an hour each to share their stories, and the response was that “there’s no way I can take a whole hour.” Of course, as the group’s leader, I had to go first to try to model how to do it but also to make it safe for them by being truly  vulnerabe. I took an hour and a half, which surprised me. Then each man told his story, and they ended up all taking an hour and a half each. We were surprised at how fast that time went, whether we were telling our story or listening to others’ stories.

The ground rules included:  do not give advice or “fix,” do ask clarifying questions and questions to invite the man to go deeper on an issue, and do “cover” the man when he has been vulnerable or emotional by affirming him, identifying with him, or sharing from our hearts how he is affecting us.

After each man shared, we gathered around to pray for him. One comment during the prayers was that it was obvious how God was involved in each man’s story his whole life, including the great struggles and the times when he wasn’t yet a believer. Affirming that for each other was a great gift.

When we were done, we commented that after an hour and a half we all could still recall several significant events in our lives that we hadn’t yet shared. Well, maybe when we do this again next year some of those will come out. During our next regular meeting this week we agreed that we now know each other on a completely new level, and we’re looking forward to how God will use that in our relationships and our lives.

You can do this with your small group, staff, board, or ministry team. It’s especially effective with a gender-specific group however. Relationship is the foundation of any team, leading to overcoming Patrick Lencioni’s “5 Dysfunctions of a Team,” which are lack of trust, healthy accountability, commitment to decisions, accountability to follow through, and attention to results. I have encouraged church boards to do this, and it has deeply impacted not only their relationships but their effectiveness as a board. I have seen more courageous decisions come out of those boards.

I think this connects with something God puts into each of our hearts — a deep desire for real Biblical community. This is how the Church should work.